A side of me, perhaps no one knew. But i am over it
Woke up early today. And both times were due to shock. My meemee called me at 7.45 and asked me what time I need to go school. And I was like LATE LE! ! ! Rushed out and took my clothes then realized it’s only Thursday. Placed my clothes back in frustration and head to sleep. Second time was June June’s message. I was shock! I thought I was late. But lucky I am no longer feeling sleepy already. Then fed hamsies and changed their water. I am a responsible owner. = ) Then head to school. School was boring today. And Mr Puru went through everything again and I was yawning like a hippo-pig. EDA was okay since I bothered to listen today. = )
And home now! Gonna catch a movie afterwards but am not sure if my mother transfer the money to me already or not. *sighs* It’s pathetic to rely on your parents for allowance because you got to wait. So here I am blogging and hopefully there is $ in the bank already. I am cursing myself not for not signing up for that ibanking thing because I am too lazy to walk to the nearest ATM to check my account balance. My posb bank account is so pathetic.
And I think my idol…… Some people have been asking me why are they my idols. Lols. Amazed that you people actually read them. I don’t want too many people reading my blog. I just want people close to me to read them since I am really keeping things personal and I do not want assumptions.
Let’s see why I place them under my idol list. #1 ----- Johnny Depp #2 ----- Kame #3 ----- Yamapi #4 ----- Badminton Idol Unknown Name #5 ----- Shan’ mention his name or else people will find it weird! But he is my idol! =) Ask me if you want to know, or else continue guessing! And he is my idol and that means whatever he do is fine with me! Hahas! #6 ----- Princess Diana (no, don’t laugh! She is really my idol!) #7 ----- Chester #8 ----- Durian Uncle ( newly added )
Why Johnny Depp? Need you ask? He is charming, he is smart and he is a good father (I assume) and he is great in acting. I love his roles of vampire, detective and roles in magical shows too. Why Kame? I initially don’t like him because I found him very gay. But I like his VOICE and his EYES and he is charming too. Love his role in Gokusen. Hard to tell you why, you got to go see it for yourself. As in watch his shows and him on tv programs. Why Yamapi? This one have the same reason as Kame. Why Badminton Idol Unknown Name? I like the way he carry himself and the way he talk. Very charming. Why #5. Smart and manages charm well. Why Princess Diana? How can someone not idolize her? She is caring and sweet and EVERYTHING nice. Why Chester? Need I say? Go watch Mvs of linkin park before asking me why.
With that I answer your questions? Slept pretty late last night because I was wondering about what some irritating freak said. Hee. Ok, you are not an irritating freak. But he always say things that will trigger that “THINK” button and therefore, I lost my sleep.
Even phobias, you need to face it, admit it and talk about it before you can get out of it right? So it’s the same for your past, face it, admit it and talk about it. Doing that you can get out of the past and move on and not let it haunt you.
Simple words yet it’s hard to do. You know I wanted to be a psychiatrist once? But I think I will cause the patient to suffer worst conditions. Hahas. I was considering if I should blog about it since I never read about people blogging about such stuff before and I just want to make sure people I don’t want to read my blog won’t read my blog or I will feel weird!
I consider it a past NO ONE knows. See how tight lipped I am? But I cannot get out of it and that is the main cause of my phobias till now. See, certain things are like that. Once things happened, it can never be forgotten. It may be long over but it feels like yesterday.
I remember a human trait. They tend to think that they are the ones suffering. You know. That feeling of self pity? At certain point of time, people are like that. Like why must this happen to me. I bet no one is as suay as me. Sounds familiar? I used to say them too. I hate self-pity and tries my best not to do that because it irks me too.
Without a certain past, you won’t learn. Or at least realize what happiness is. So simple yet so vulnerable. It’s like in the case of growing fatter and growing thinner. It’s so easy to grow fat, but it’s so hard to be thin (at least in my case). Happiness is hard to achieve. But when you get it, you got to learn to maintain and improve things or it’s very easy to lose it.
(*break*) I just went down to get durians because my sis tempted me! Yeaps. All the way from Vietnam she tempted me! She was online, using the hotel’s internet thing. She said the people there thought she was Korean or Japanese. THEY MUST BE BLIND! Okay la. She look like one because she is fair and she got beady eyes. And it’s BIG beady eyes. Normal people have a good ratio of white and black but she got more of black I think. Hahas. And she said it was super fun and she went cycling today! She’s going to go out to sea tomorrow and they are bonkers over there in Vietnam. And they treated Koreans to Durians for don’t know what reasons. *rolls eyes* And upon hearing that, I immediately told meemee to go down to get durians. AND WE WENT! = ) *burp* Just finish eating durians and can someone tell me why we have to drink salt water using the durian shell? I told my mee I didn’t want to and she INSTRUCT me to do it. *burp* And I am going to add another name into my IDOL list! = ) It’s the durian uncle! The uncle who sells durian. He is so honest! He would open the durian and inspect if the durian is good and being the really noob eaters like us, whatever is yellow is good. Never mind the shades. But the uncle opened one which he felt wasn’t nice and he would throw it away. = ) Honest right! = )
Walked to central with my meemee. And all of a sudden I felt so relieve. So at ease. I just feel that everything is in place. Talking to my sis and laughing and talking to my meemee and laughing. To a certain extent I always feel that I am rude to my meemee because of the way I talk to her. =x But she is fine with it anyway as long as I don’t across the limit and that is the f*** word or she will start nagging. Heex.
Anyways, I remember xd always asking me if having a dad or not having makes a difference. She comes from a single parent family. And that explains why dumbie is so protective of the people around him. And I finally found the answer. It’s pretty weird, my answer. Of course there is a difference. I mean your dad got to be the hero in every kid’s eyes right. Although my hero kinda went off track. It’s been so many years already. By right wounds should have healed. Even though we are still able to joke about this, the pain remain fresh in my memory.
I used to call myself an unwanted kid or rather I used to be an unwanted kid. But of course, after I was born, I was loved! Because I am cute kid right. = ) My mee used to tell me that I was nearly aborted because they didn’t want another child. And all thanks to my popo (maternal grandmamma), I am alive and blogging now. But it's okay because everyone love me. = ) I am fat and chubby and I love smiling so every auntie like to pinch my cheeks. I remember being very fearful about my grandpa because he would pinch my cheeks whenever he see me. Scary! My meemee, my dad, my sis and I would go to Marine Parade and eat peppermint icecream. An all time favorite of my sis and I. = ) We would go to town and look at lights and see fireworks(i was afraid of that then and they love to see my reaction -crying). Or my meemee will bring us to my dad’s workplace and wait for him. I can never forget how proud I was of him then. I was young but I was so happy with my dee. My mee is a full time housewife then. My dee used to work in a Bank (* starting with letter “s”) as a GM or M. I forgot. My sis and I played together although we used to have violent fights too involving scratching. = ) We used to stay in Pasir Ris. A place where all the good memories are. My childhood friend was there too. My BEST childhood friend. We were the best of friends. We played together and he was sweet. In our house, there was a bar counter. I love it. Because it has the best lighting.
I remember once when my sis and I had chickenpox together and we can’t sleep with the air con on. So what we did? The whole family of four camped at the living room. = ) It was the best moment of my life. My dad was a cool dad then. Perhaps he is the dad every kid wanted. He was smart, sporty and interesting. He would talk to kids and played with kids. The four of us would go fishing together. = ) Fishing at pasir ris. All four of us, through the night. But I find it boring so I stood there looking at rats. Hee. I remember once where my dad took an injured dog to a place safer and went to find water for it to drink. But I forgot what happen to it after that. Did I mention that we used to have 3 ducks, 3 chickens and a weird looking bird at home? We rear them in the balcony as pets. And we didn’t eat them, I think they fell to their deaths. =x Those were the best memories in pasir ris. And we had the best neighbour! = ) And I love family day!
But things kind of change when we moved to Yishun. A wrong move I would say. My meemee and my mama were actually pregnant. And they helped out in the moving of house and I think they kind of had a miscarriage. And realized I got lazy eyes which was suspected to be due to genes. And true enough, my paternal side auntie got lazy eyes too. And you don’t know torturing it is to patch your eyes and go for training. Initially I will go to the doctor at AMK, he is an eye specialist and he would patch my eyes. And let me draw dots. AND IT’S TIRING. Covering my better eye and training the lousy eye. You won’t know the feeling. It’s dimmer. I think due to the bad eyesight, every thing is dimmer and it’s tiring to focus and I lost temper at times. He said it would be harder for me to study because of my eyesight, I will have less attention span as they get tired easily. But I got better. And the doctor suggest to stop training there and let me train at home and go back once a year to checkup. I refused to train at home. And I refused to go for checkup. And finally, the condition worsen because both eyes refused to work together. They are on their own. And till now, I still refused to train them. I would consider them ticking time bombs because I don’t know when I will wake up and not see a thing.
And I think I hate Yishun house because it brings bad luck. Or rather, bad memories are all in there. The first few years was alright. We would have Kenneth and Kevin korkor coming over to stay. And we had the best Christmas. Sunday’s family day was great and we always had the toys we wanted. But for a price. Hee. Especially me. I love those “cashier” toys and “masak masak”. And whenever I see those toys I would create a din outside. My meemee and deedee won’t scold us outside. So they would buy and when I reach home, I would get scolded because I was behaving like a spoilt brat. My parents are also very fair. They made sure they bought everything in pairs. One for my sis and one for me so we won’t have to fight. But we did learn to share….but it’s different when playing games. You know there used to be a SEGA game of fighting or something like that. And we were opponents, my sis and I. When I won, she would be so angry. When she win, I would be so angry. So yeap, we were sore losers then. Hee.
And in Yishun, we had a pet rabbit. We would bring snowy down for a walk. =) And my meemee will play badminton with us. You know my meemee used to be badminton player, oh don’t look at her figure now. = ) I remember my dad, my sis and Iplanning a day for meemee. We wanted to celebrate her birthday. We planned the menu, the songs and our dad was incharge of bringing her out so we could cook and prepare her surprise. It was sweet. And another best part was Australia trip because.....it was the last trip the four of us went together. My dad allowed us, underage, to take the rollar coaster ride without meemee knowing. Yeaps, my dee is playful too.
Then the tragic part started with my popo’s death. At least she died peacefully. But that brought me out of the nice and happy world I was in. I would walk to the coffin and look at her. My popo is super energetic and humorous. So it was weird seeing her so dead. Not moving, not smiling. The cremation was worst. But it was over. Because we knew popo got what she wanted. She wanted to pass away in her sleep and not have tubes poked through her. She didn’t have any illness. That is good.
After that, everything was sort of not right. One day we were having dinner. And our dad came home especially early. As adults, they would naturally want to hide things from us. But of course, we knew our dad was out of job. He looked different. You know my dad is kind of egoistic. That is when I realized the different side of my hero. He would flare up for no reason. Or rather for minor things. My meemee went out to work. And she used to be a broker or accountant or sect of some bank too but quitted because of us. She couldn’t get another job of such kind due to her age. So she helped out her friend. My dad would be at home looking for jobs. He would drink. And as usual I hate that. But well, I can’t really remember those moments.
I heard the reasons for him being fired from his previous company. I think he embezzled with company funds for shares. That was what I heard. Whether it’s true or not, I am not sure. And they said he was lucky to just get fired and not charged. Everyone said my dad was capable and smart, just that, he fell into the wrong company? And yeaps, back to the point. Things got worst.
When the egoistic guys fall right to the bottom, their tempers are bad. I kind of forgot what happened. But there will be quarrels and my sis and I would stand on my meemee’s side. And his temper will get worst. And what’s worst is he will stay at home the WHOLE day. And he will park himself in front of the computer PLAYING. There was a freaking FUN game that really requires the brain. I love that game too but didn’t have TIME to enjoy it. Or rather, no mood. I was in primary 4 I think. Then the tragic part came. God knows why he went to the loansharks. I can’t imagine I am blogging this! But I promised to get out of the past! Ok. I hate that word ( “L” word) and you probably never heard me said that word or should have seen me flinch with that word. But nothing violent happened because HE LEFT. Yeaps. My first brush with an irresponsible guy. That Hero died that moment. My meemee was waiting during midnight and he wasn’t home yet. And I remember during dinner that day, there were a few guys at the door, passing us a paper. Well, I think those were creditors. We thought nothing about it. But by midnight he wasn’t home. My meemee went down to the letterbox and opened it. In it was a letter written by my fallen hero. I can’t really remember the letter. I only remember him asking us to pack our stuff, be careful and leave for my paternal grandma’s place to stay. It was midnight. MIDNIGHT and my sis have exams the next day. And she was in her PSLE year. We did that. We called my dad’s sister and she came over and fetch us to her place at hougang. And yeaps, it was no heaven because it was pathetically small. My meemee got a job at the factory near there. And we did pay our auntie because we didn’t want to live on someone.
And of course, my fallen hero didn’t come back. He went missing for quite some time. Such a jerk. Made his mother so worried. My grandmother had a sad past too because her husband went missing and didn’t came back and so, she assumed he died already. And you know my dad is a pampered kid too. He is the youngest child and the whole family gave in to him and took GOOD care of him. And I guess he went missing for quite some time. We all sort of gave up because we didn’t know where to look for him. We went to parks and everywhere. So we made a missing person report. My first time into the police station. Only primary 4 or beginning primary 5.
And soon we found him in Toa Payoh. And I can still remember where we found him. Even till now. It’s fate I think. Brought him home and settled things out. And he not only borrowed from ONE loanshark. The list is freaking long. My uncle helped him to clear his debt. I hate that. My sis hate that. But it took a very long time to clear of course. So we had to stay over at Hougang for the time being. And soon, I had to go over to stay at my mama’s place because they felt that Hougang was too far from my primary school in Yishun. So I stay with them for about a year. I would go back to Hougang during holidays and weekends. My godpa would drive me home and back. Expenses were given by my mama. I would go to school on school bus. And that was how I passed my primary 5. When I was in primary 6. I went back to Hougang because I hate living with other people even if they are relatives. And the house in Hougang was small. Like really! It got two bedrooms. And one bedroom is like so small as compared to now! And in each room, there are 3 people! So imagine how warm it was! Every morning I will wake up at 4am to bathe and walk to a very far bus stop and take bus to Yishun. And take the bus back home. 4am ok! And I woke up on my own, no alarms! And there’s no air con and the windows cannot be opened. My sis and I had to sit on the floor squeeze and study. She studied in such conditions for her PSLE and Os I think. And for me, it’s PSLE and sec 2 streaming. It was totally a bad place to study. It’s like HALF my room!
Then soon, my uncle went to meet all the loansharks, negotiated and we could return home! But it was not the end. My meemee asked my dad to get a job to help out. But he got pride. He wouldn’t work for less than his previous pay. And he didn’t want a small position. I call that ego problem. His temper is bad too. And I hate the smell of alcohol on him. Once I saw him drunk. Lucky it was only for once. And at least I can’t really remember what happened. But my sis and I hated him then. As in really hated him. We didn’t call him and we would refer him as “the man”. That was how rude we were. But can’t blame us. We hated him for leaving us. We wouldn’t see him and we wouldn’t talk to him. And that was the reason why we fought. Not me, but my sis and him. My sis got a fiery temper and my dad got a fiery temper and they fought. Not quarrel but fought. Very dramatic. I would have to pull my sis apart and my mee got to pull him apart. Yeaps. And relationships soured.
Come home, don’t want to see his face and we would go to the room. He talked, we wouldn’t even reply. I think we didn’t call him dee for like more than 4 years. He would stick his butt to the chair and meddle with the computer. Or go to the library for whatever reasons to borrow books on computer. His computer is like his life. Yea, i got to agree that he is quite a computer genius. And he refused to get a job until like some time later. A property agent. But how can my dad stick to that job? As a junior he would most probably get into a heated argument with his superior. Because ego problems~ But relationship improved during his working days. We would sit around him and listen to him talk to clients. And we were crazy about two games then. THEY BOTH require brain power to play! But well things sucks again. Greed? Perhaps.
Problems arise from credit card debts. I hate credit card debts. He needed credit card to entertain clients you see but you know because of pride or something like that, he cannot be stingy with entertainment for clients. And thus, the credit card debts. And being the smart him, he didn’t use his brains. Once again, he turned to the “L” word. How dumb how dumb. And it wasn’t even enough to pay of the debts! And you know credit card interest rates are scary! Bankruptcy came. Have you ever had your furniture and electronics pasted with paper bearing the creditors’ names? Yeaps it was that bad. And it’s weird because they took our stuff but he was not declared bankrupt! And he managed to escape from that twice! But not the “L” of course. We once again had to LEAVE the place. And I guess the “L” word is the reason why I fear strangers knocking on doors. I will not open the door and I will walk to the room and sit there till the person stops. I do that even now. And we begin our life in hougang again. I had to travel for hours. And I was posted to SESS in sembawang. Another LONG ride to school. And my auntie would give us bad attitude because no one can stand my fallen hero’s bad attitude too. His debts were so problematic that no one could pay. The sums were….so scary. So scary that I think I can live with that money for the rest of my life and not work. So no one could pay, so we had to stay at Hougang till things subside. We would come home to the house in Yishun (the one I am staying now) to clean the place. And I tell you, every return is heartbreaking. You so want to sleep there but can’t. You so want to cry but you can’t. I miss my double decker bed and my aircon. I miss my study table. I miss the computer (without internet of course since there is no such things then). I miss the spacious place. I always don’t understand why we got such a nice home and yet I can’t return home. Pathetic moments. And even in secondary school, I had to face those problems at home. And it’s hard hating your hero. We still didn’t call him dee. We referred him as “ the man “. I know it’s rude. But it can’t be helped.
I had to wake up at like 4am every morning. It was tiring. And soon my sis and I persuaded my meemee to shift home. Close to shifting home but the loansharks were still continuing their activities. I only remembered scribblings on walls and guess what, they used BLUE paint. =.= Perhaps too broke to buy red paint?
And we once again went to the police station and this time we were referred to Amk. I think that is one of the main police station. We were given a piece of paper and we had to stick it on the wall to warn those “L” s. Soon it subsided and we could return home and I was so happy of leaving that hell in hougang. First night I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. But we would lock our doors and made sure everything was secure before sleeping. One knock and we would all be wide awake and unable to sleep. Three females alone in a house having to be wary of “L”s. My dee can’t come home and my sis wouldn’t allow that. My sis said he died. We all felt he died. He was just “the man”. Even on the phone initially, we would say “the man called”. We are rude, but we had our reasons. But my mee would scold us and remind us how well he treated us. But I can never forget the moment he left us alone.
We went home when I was in early secondary 3 I think. We all had to leave the house together and come home together in case suspicious characters were around. And there will be a few malay or weird looking people outside our house and we had to pretend we were new owners of the flat. My meemee had to drag us out to meet him and my sis would pull a long face. My sis got a fiery temper because she’s very protective towards my meemee.
And till now things are fine. My dad got a job. It is stable now. Although it’s totally different from his first job. My meemee got a not bad job which I feel is good since she is learning new things instead of accounting and those. My sis and I have grown up. Money is rarely a problem now.
It have been like five years since I stayed with my dad. And It feels weird to be talking about him because we rarely talk about him. But he will call everyday and chat with meemee. And at times talk to us too. And on special occasions we all go out to celebrate. Our favorite place of hangout? Boat Quay, or Raffles area. My meemee will meet him during certain days of the week and it’s called the “dating” day. We call him dad at times, but my sis don’t . Even if she called, it’s forced and she mumbled. I don’t even remember his birthday. I think I forgot how it feels like to have a guy at home. And this incident really made me respect my meemee a lot. She can even tolerate him. But like she says, when you are in love with someone, you can just tolerate everything and only think about his good points. And I have to agree that my dad is good, just went on the wrong track. At least he didn’t cheat on my meemee. And he really love us a lot. But things just can’t go back to the same anymore. At times I wonder what the future will be like. Will the four of us be living together? I am not sure. But I wouldn’t want that. It will feel weird. I am kind of used to this distant.
He is the reason why I fear guys. No, not those very serious kind. But it’s just that you can’t trust them. Afterall, the man I thought was Hero abandoned us. I hate egoistic people because it reminded me of him. My fallen hero. I can’t stand being with overly protective guys because it irks me. Make me rely on you and you might abandon me. My first guy sucks too. And I was dumb too. And that further made me cautious about guys. Things a guy said. Things a guy does. Well, I thought I found a guy I can trust. But well, he disappoint me now.
I fear the knocking of doors because I tend to live in the past. I fear that the next knock is from “L”s again although it’s quite impossible. I don’t listen to phone numbers that are unknown. I don’t want such things from happening and that is the reason why I will not give birth because I don’t want my child to live in such environment. Even if it’s only 0.00001% chance.
You know things have changed. And I am sure I won’t have to live in fear anymore. But somehow, you can’t help but want to be prepared for the worst.
How I lived my 18years was something no one knew. Well at least the part about my dad. No one knew until today. But I really want to get out of it and start anew. I have been blogging from since the moment I reached home till now. I am in a dilemma as to whether I should blog. But i guess I will since I filter people already. I don’t promote my blog address now so I guess people I don’t want them to read won’t be reading. I filtered this blog so I won’t sound so pathetic.
But I tried my best. Recollecting the past is hard. No one knew about these and I doubt even my my girlfriends from secondary school know about this too. And even xd and peeps. And I promise, once I blog about this, I want to get out of this. It affected me so hard before and now, I just want to look at a guy and believe what he says. I want to open the door to welcome a salesman knocking on my door. I want to…
Ok. I am sleepy! Nights people and thanks for listening to my story! = ) And fret not, nut killed mich. = )
I am glad things are fine now and we can still joke about the past. At least I learn something. I realized.. Certain things that are over can never be recovered again. The happy childhood lasted for …. Like 10 years? I can never experience what is it like to have a father at home. So people, don’t do things you will regret. Because there is no take two in life. And certain actions inflict wounds that even time cannot heal. = ) With that I end my story. And good night people!
I thank all that was around me even if you ain’t aware of what happened. At least it brought life to me. Especially the girls in secondary school and my secondary school classmates. Going to school is something to be happy about during those hard times because there are laughter. = ) I love band because it was a way to release stress and well, it was some form of stress as well. Heex.
Things can go very bad, but they will be over and you have to look back and laugh it off. = ) Nights people! ! ! !
note: I find it very bad to blame the "L"s for harassment. Because what you borrow you really must pay. It's fair ans square. Although methods are bad. But if you borrow, you got to pay.
*you dared me and now i proved to you. i am over it. and it's really over. No more phobias, no more.*
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