Downloaded too many fonts and my computer is lagging. It’s really too much.
I tried to do something for my EDA like hoping I can do something so I won’t have to fail the lab test on Friday. You know I tend to screw things up. Especially when using the computer. I got pretty irritated just now and it’s beyond control. Things happened and I just can’t smile and pretend it didn’t happen. I get frustrated because I don’t know what to do. I know I need to do something in order to PASS my eda but it seems, my mind is too distracted. I don’t want to fail my EDA. And when I get nervous during lab test, it’s the same as failing it. *sighs*
Am I. Am I not. (*random* I am having body aches) Gosh. How can you understand people when you can barely understand yourself. My words contradict my actions. At times, when a person lie to themselves, they are usually lonely. What a nice sentence I heard from HanaKimi. Nothing, just something I heard and it kept repeating in my mind.
I am so tired of seeing people play pretend. But this is life you tell me? What I see might not be what I get. Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see. I got that sentence from Polar Express. And I love it. And it’s pretty random now because I really can’t organise my thoughts at night. There seems to be 101 things on my mind and I can barely think properly.
I want to be good at deceiving myself. Perhaps I will be happier that way? My life is too full of contradictions. Whatever I say. Whatever I do. I tried my best. I want to get out of this repeated cycle I am forever in. At times it’s too bad to be true. How can I get into such cycle forever? Why is it that ever since then, I am living such a cursed love life. Retribution? Karma? I am so sick of grabbing someone and complaining and whining to that person. It’s pointless. It’s forever the same cycle and I am so sick of it too. Like when will someone ever get me out of it. It’s all in my mind? I don’t think so. It’s something I cannot control or don’t want to control. Perhaps my logic is weird. Perhaps what I am thinking is way too pathetic. What you said no longer motivates me. Crap. I even rely on others to motivate myself. Where have the nut gone too? Very soon I am going to lose my position as minister of nuttism. Fine, it’s the ambassador. Don’t mind me if you don’t understand. Just some words and terms three bored morons thought of.
It’s 12.39am and I am very sleepy. But I know I can’t get to sleep. It’s always a daily routine of TRYING to sleep even though I am very sleepy. I wonder what is wrong with my freaking mind. How do you forget the person you like? I think of ways to hate that person and let that person hate me. Oh great, I sound so childish now. Don’t mind me. But I really want to sleep soundly at night. I want to walk hand in hand and not feel irritated by it. Don’t bother asking me what’s wrong because I don’t even know what’s wrong.
Perhaps you can knock my head and let me forget everything? Unspoken. Waiting to be read like a book. I hate telling people what’s wrong. Can you read me? *sighs*
In the day, everything is fine. Because I am constantly occupied with things to do. But at night, it’s hard to bear. One minute becomes eternity. And emotions starts pouring. And because I have very pathetic tolerance on tears, I hate talking about certain things. I hate my tears and I hate my eyes. At times I wish I don’t have tear duct. At times, I wonder why is this so hard to bear? Why is it him?
At times. I am so afraid. The thought. It’s just “what if”. But I can’t help but to be prepared for the worst. Everything is so simple. I don’t mind one sided-ly like someone for long. But when I got no choice but to forget about it. Chances are I really need to forget before it becomes my regret. I remember dumbie scolding me. Such things and you worry about the wrong aspect. Yeaps. I am blinded already. HOW IRONIC. Can’t see the irony? Never mind. The last thing I need now is to have something I cannot let go. Learn to let go or be forced to let go. Reality is cruel you know.
Sometimes it’s better if you all not console. Because I can’t help but think of them as signs of mockery. I know you all don’t mean that way. But. I see them as that. I believe such stuff, there’s no way to console right. It’s not appropriated to say ‘don’t worry’ because apparently, it’s impossible to not worry. Afterall, I had a very long time to be prepared. I just thought life won’t be so cruel to me.
I can still smile because I don’t want to waste time sulking and thinking about everything negative. And no worries. Because I will learn even in difficult situations. I hate the word “burden” you know. =0) Don’t worry. I am fine. I just need to grumble a little here. A little blog in the corner of the world. Hiding in my safe corner on earth. I tend to hate to get out of my comfort zone.
At times I wait for that hand to reach out. At times I know the hand will never reach out. I know hope brings disappointment. But without it, I don’t know what to look forward to each day.
You must be wondering, michelle, are you mad or insane already? Of course not. I just found the way to smile and laugh things off. I am someone who thinks too much. And I am easily affected by things. And I cannot stand my stupidity, not even a single bit. But I learnt to laugh them off. See the joy in everything and see the joke in everything and laugh them off. Turn even the most miserable situation into a comedy and everything will be fine.
I believe. =0)
Hee. Thanks for reading. =0) Read and forget what you read alright? =0) Loves.
I think I got fever already. And reading from the computer is..tiring too.
BOTTLED 1:08 AM l 0 Bottle(s)